Will & Sara at McPherson Park in Greenville, SC

As of today Sara and I have been married for 9 years! It’s been a long road and I can’t believe all of the things we’ve seen, said, and done. Some days I feel like we’ve always been together and others it feels like no time at all. One thing is for sure, I am the luckiest guy in the world.

On January, 19th 2001 we piled into Sara’s white 1991 Mitsubishi Montero with Ben Chabot and his then fiance Caitlin and drove to the Little Wedding Chapel in Easley, SC. I remember our family and friends packing into the woefully small chapel and laughing with us through the next 30 minutes of comedy gold.

Highlights:

• Meeting the minister minutes before the ceremony in his bright yellow plaid suit and matching bowtie; (un)fortunately(?) he wore a robe for the ceremony
• Sara’s mother thinking that her father had already, “given away the bride,” but not heard it as he is somewhat deaf and whispering very loudly while crouching and tugging on him to sit down
• Sara and I being forced to stand and bend uncomfortably over the kneeling bench we asked be removed several times. That’ll show them! We’ll stand and bend over you uncomfortably!
• The operatic rendition of the lords prayer with trademarked country twang played on a cassette deck that had the entire chapel in peals of laughter by the end
• My botching of my vows, “with this ring I be wed…,” WTF was I thinking?
• Being trapped with my Grandmother Byrd during the reception who I believe was still convinced that I was either gay or had impregnated Sara and was forced to marry her; I still cannot understand how these conflicting ideas can occupy the same place in anyone’s head…
• Sara being trapped during the reception with a mutual friend who had been gone all summer and was desperately in love with her
• Sara’s Dad is the spitting image of Norm Abrams. I’m not kidding. My Grandfather Wayne is quite the furniture builder and artist and was convinced we had no small celebrity on our hands and felt compelled to introduce himself and discuss his love of the New Yankee Workshop. Both men are slightly hard of hearing so the conversation went something like this:

Grandfather Wayne: “I’m Hugh, Will’s grandfather.”
Sara’s Dad: “No, I’m Sara’s dad, Jerry.”
Grandfather Wayne: “No, I’m Hugh, Will’s grandfather.”
Sara’s Dad: “No, I’m Sara’s dad, Jerry.”

x20 or so until Sara walked up and straightened them out…

• Being pelted by birdseed so hard it left marks and Sara shaking birdseed out of her over styled hair for about a week after
• Leaving the wedding with Ben and his fiance to head home for champagne
• Champagne had been left in the freezer by someone and exploded into champagne slushy
• Going to Nick’s Tavern to drink with some friends when your freezer is full of champagne slushy
• Getting almost too drunk to consummate your marriage and finally managing it way too late above the heads of your best friend and his fiance who for some reason were spending the night

One would marvel that the marriage lasted the first night. As I read this back to Sara now no one is more surprised than her that we made it past that first night when at my parents dropping off my Dad’s tux and she finds out Ben and Caitlin are spending the night. Our wedding night. Good god, what was I thinking. Fortunately our honeymoon was much better and salvaged my bumbling during our wedding. We spent 4 incredible days at Hidden Mountain Resorts in Sevierville, TN. Our ride up to Sevierville was treacherous and beautiful. It started snowing in the mountains of NC and things got cold and icy very quickly. The poor Montero had a time on the mountain hills and when we finally got checked in we were pretty much snowed in. It was a great time and just about the only real vacation we’ve had since we’ve been married. The few times we made it out were for a few nice dinners and games at some arcades near Pigeon Forge.

At any rate when we got home it was back to work and things weren’t peachy. Sara and I were poor and it sucked. We were living in Government housing and barely making livable wages. We both had insurance thanks to my job but things were uncertain as the company had just filed Chapter 11. Sara was working for her parents at their Frame Shop and making more than I was. I decided things needed to change and started looking for new work. Fortunately for me an old classmate from High School IM’ed me day and told me he could get me a job in Greenville, SC with Trivergent. Trivergent was a communications company that was having financial problems but were in the process of being acquired by Gabriel Communications in St. Louis, MO. I figured moving from a low paid job with no security to a higher paid job with slightly less security was a no-brainer and we packed up and moved to Greenville. Sara’s drive got shorter and I walked to work from a cheap condo we rented downtown Greenville on West Earle St.

During the early years of our marriage I honestly can’t understand why Sara stayed with me. Maybe she saw there was some raw potential there but at 21 I was insufferable. I thought I knew everything and never thought for a second before making it known. I’m convinced I drove away some people I was really close to because of my attitude. Fortunately she worked through the process of growing up with me and I learned the world wasn’t black and white and it was possible to see things from another perspective. We had long conversations about what we could do to improve our relationship. Sometimes we’d stay up and talk about it all night. (We did this about two weeks ago in fact!) At some point I decided I wanted to be a better person for her and started work on improving my less than desirable qualities. It’s not been easy but compromise is the name of the game. If you love the person you’re with don’t you want to be worthy of their love? Don’t you want the last thought in their mind when they fall asleep that they’re glad to be with you and not, “That asshole forgot to fold his clothes again?”

Things worked out and the new company became NuVox, Sara started working there, I was rapidly promoted, we both learned an incredible amount about telecommunications, the Internet, and mergers and acquisitions, met some terrible people and some of the best people we’ve ever known. In the last 9 years we’ve started two failed businesses but are still trying, moved five times, bought a house, bought two new cars, been introduced to the amazing Siamese breed, enjoyed a short time with our first Siamese, lived a melancholy and sometimes downright painful year and a half with our second Siamese and his bout with lymphoma, learned to live with Sara’s multiple sclerosis diagnosis, taken each other to the emergency room, and so much more than I could ever cram into one sentence. What have we learned from all of this?

When I look back on the last 9 years I’d say that demolishing the typical husband and wife roles has played the biggest part in keeping both of us happy. She’s my best friend, my confidant, my partner, my love. Not my cook, maid, chauffeur, dishwasher, or slave. I can wash the dishes or cook dinner and she can work 80 hours a week and bring overtime when we need it. I don’t own her and she doesn’t own me and neither of us does these things because it’s, “the husband’s/wife’s job.” We do them because they have to be done and we understand how it feels when you’re doing them by yourself and the other person doesn’t help.

At the end of all of this exposition I can sum up the key to our successful marriage in one sentence. This is not all about you; don’t be a selfish ass. I think far too many people forget that in a marriage you can’t always control what the other person is going to do or think or feel and you have to be able to truly understand and live with that, rational or irrational it may be. It’s all about the patience and willingness to learn, understand, and grow with your partner.

I know you all probably read this far hoping that you’d get some quick and easy tips to make things better at home so I won’t stiff you. For 9 years here are 9 things that have made things immeasurably less tense in the evenings:

1. Mint – Until the end of 2008 Sara managed the finances by herself. She did a great job on her own but she couldn’t say no to me and I had no idea what our finances looked like. At the end of 2008 when she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis she made me sit down and look over them with her and I promised I would be more involved so she wouldn’t feel like, “mean mommy,” when she had to say no. Mint let us import all of our financial accounts into one portal where we could quickly and easily extrapolate where our money was going and what we needed to do to get our finances working better for us. If there’s a better tool out there I haven’t seen it yet.
2. Dishwasher – Moving into a place with a dishwasher eliminated the biggest point of contention between us. Who’s doing the dishes? You might not think about it much but consider this; doing the dishes for a regular meal that you cook for two people takes just about as long as when you cook for 4-5. You typically use the same amount of pans, skillets, measuring cups, etc. as you would for cooking a larger meal and these are the things that take the longest to clean. Buying a dishwasher gets you back 45 minutes to an hour of time every evening you’d otherwise spend washing dishes after a meal. Over the course of a year that’s about 15 days of time each year you could be doing anything else.
3. Keeping each others secrets – If I told you my wife would kill me…
4. Cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, cats, and more cats – They are ridiculous, loving, fun, and they lower your blood pressure. You can also blame them when someone passes gas.
5. CatGenie – Seriously, with all those cats, who really wants to scoop litter? Let them use their own cat toilet.
6. Working Cars – So many other things are broken, do you really want to be stuck in the house when your air conditioning is broken because you wanted to save $500 at the dealership?
7. Comfortable Bed – It’s hard to be mad at each other when you’re falling asleep in a comfortable bed
8. A great sense of humor, especially about each others’ neuroses
9. Common Enemies – Fighting against a common enemy or problem is the first step towards working together!

EPILOGUE FROM SARA, WHO JUST DISCOVERED THAT SOME OF HER FAMILY MEMBERS READ THIS.

Hi everyone! Silly Will — I’m actually a virgin and have never even tasted alcohol. Love you!

MRI images from the side make you look like a monster!

My first year of MS diagnosis wrapped up about a month ago and I’ve been reflecting on all the randomness and misinformation about the disease. As a lot of things in my life begin to come together (I’m growing up finally!) I find myself mourning the diagnosis more now than I did initially. Here comes the first downer post of 2010!

No one knows what causes MS and there is no cure. The idea of the cure is threefold: 1 – prevention of the disease, 2 – prevention of further progression of the disease, and 3 – reversal of disability caused by the disease. Theories are that those genetically prone to it may have it set off by exposure to a virus (probably the Epstein-Barr virus), that is is solely due to a vitamin D deficiency, and that a vascular disorder causes a backup of blood that leads to iron deposits in the brain. At any rate, the effect is that the immune system attacks the central nervous system, destroying myelin and the nerves that it protects. About 3/4 of all those diagnosed with MS are women.

For the newly diagnosed:

• Find a neurologist you like and trust. Don’t be afraid to switch.
• Most of your problems are invisible – don’t expect anyone to understand (sorry).
• Whatever feels unbearable right now will probably pass.
• Watch the webcasts, listen to the podcasts, and get Momentum magazine.
• Stay out of the heat at all costs.
• Holistic remedies are not proven to be effective. If it sounds crazy it probably is.
• Neurologic problems and muscle relaxers often lead to sleep apnea.
• Common MS symptoms are : fatigue, lack of balance, random pain from innocuous stimuli, spasticity, blurry vision, vertigo
• There are several types of MS. Relapsing-Remitting means you have an attack and then heal to some degree. Progressive means you have a gradual loss of ability that does not heal. Some people with relapsing-remitting will then develop progressive MS
• Deaths resulting from MS are usually caused by liver failure resulting from Interferon or by infection due to lack of mobility. In general your lifespan will not be shortened.
• You absolutely will never get the reaction you expect or desire when you tell someone about your diagnosis.
• No two people with MS will ever have more than a passing similarity of symptoms or progression.
• Caffeine makes all symptoms worse.
• You will eventually develop a sense of humor about what you’re going through. That doesn’t mean you won’t freak out from time to time.
• Cats are good for people with health problems. Really. My neurologist has a whole poster up about it.
• Everyone needs a “care partner.” Will has been amazing to me. Amazing.

I had dealt with spasms in my right eyelid for about a year when I went to my optometrist.  She decided that it was more than just stress and referred me to a lid specialist who treated me with 3 sessions of Botox injections over the course of nearly a year. Every time the Botox wore off the spasms would start again, so we pursued an MRI to check for nerve damage. I have a family history of MS – my father has it as well as 2 of his sisters.  The lid specialists said that he had about 20 new patients every week who needed Botox injections to stop those pesky eye twitches and none had ever had MS.

Being extremely claustrophobic I requested an open MRI. Having now had both an open and closed MRI I just recommend the closed one. Open MRIs are really not that “open” and take less detailed images. The MRI takes a long time, the contrast fluid feels terrible, and when you ask the tech if they see anything unusual they will lie badly. The best description I can give you of the sound is that it reminds me of some industrial music I’ve heard. You have to keep your mind occupied during the hour or two you’re in an MRI – being fascinated with myths I think I told myself the story of Isis and Osiris both times.

When I filled in the pre-MRI paperwork there was a list of things that can be caused by the contrast fluid – difficulty speaking, walking, etc etc. As I got out of the machine I felt immediately odd and discovered that when I tried to talk I couldn’t pronounce words correctly. Over the next few days my pronunciation deteriorated as did my handwriting and balance. From an outsider’s perspective I’m sure I seemed drunk. I began to think this was more than just the contrast fluid. We went to Virginia to visit Will’s brother, sister-in-law, and newborn nephew that weekend and I found myself having trouble with everything from brushing my hair to applying mascara. I was afraid to hold the baby much in case my arm betrayed me. On the drive back my arm suddenly became weak. Within the next 2 days I had paralysis in my right arm and hand and in parts of the right side of my face.

When I returned to work I was faced with a voicemail confirming my MS diagnosis, a referral to a neurologist, and an email sent to my employer’s mailing list about a coworker whose wife had taken her own life because of MS.

Filling in endless paperwork is great fun with a mostly paralyzed hand. The best way I can describe this is if you’re holding the eraser end of a 2 foot long pencil. Typing and using a mouse were nearly impossible, no one could understand me when I talked, and I couldn’t write legibly. Communication was difficult for weeks. My initial research told me that MS was a painless disease and that it doesn’t decrease your lifespan. That people who live near the equator don’t get it. That 15% of people with MS commit suicide. That 400,000 people in the US are diagnosed with it. Don’t tell your boss about it, and don’t expect anyone to give you the reaction you want when you tell them about it. There is a difference between MS symptoms and an MS attack. MS Symptoms : fatigue, lack of balance, random pain from innocuous stimulus, spasticity, blurry vision, vertigo, etc. MS Attacks (or exacerbations) : When a new, more permanent symptom occurs suddenly and lasts for more than 24 hours (like paralysis, muscle weakness, blindness, etc). I learned that there was something called an “MS Hug” but couldn’t figure out what that was. It sounded cute!

I had to tell my boss. I would be fired unless I explained why my productivity halted and I seemed drunk. MS is a TOTALLY painful disease. And a recent study reports that about 1 million people in the US have some form of paralysis from MS, so there must be far more than 400,000 with it. The first worry I had was that I would be such a burden on my husband. How long could I work? Only 30% of people diagnosed with MS can work, and even if I could how much worse will his life be with a disabled partner? My father has MS and so do I. Will my brother be the next to be diagnosed with it? My nieces? Then I worry about healthcare. When something like this happens to you the health insurance industry looks VERY different very quickly. I find myself with a huge crush on Britain’s healthcare system. Since Obama’s election stem cell research with regards to MS has made vast leaps. What happens next election if it’s suddenly banned (again) and our greatest hope for a cure vanishes (again)?

My first neurologist was terrible. He was dismissive, unhelpful, rude, and racist. After my first appointment with him he had me begin a steroid infusion on-site. The Solumedrol burned like fire going into my veins and made me taste metal for hours afterward. As I walk out I grab what looks to be a very encouraging publication on MS. Turns out a woman is celebrating all that she’s gained from a life of MS : a husband who has been there for her after she lost her house, most of their furniture, turned to welfare, and she can no longer leave her bed. Whoever approved that article needs to be flogged.

As new nerves began routing I could gradually speak more clearly and write a little better, but progress was like watching grass grow. Suddenly my fancy new nerves went mutinous. While I didn’t have strength enough to hold up a toothbrush with my right hand I would have a cramp that would close my fist so hard I made my own palms bleed. When I was in crippling pain 5 – 7 times a day with unbearable muscle cramps all down the right side of my body he shrugged and said maybe we could do another MRI. Then he found occasion to make fun of Native Americans after noticing on my chart that I am part Cherokee.

I discovered there was another neurologist in Greenville and promptly switched. I love my neurologist now. He reviewed my MRI and told me I had 4 lesions but that I should get a spinal tap to ensure that my insurance would pay for treatment. He prescribed Baclofen (a muscle relaxer) for the muscle spasms.

The spinal tap was interesting. I thought it would be quick but it was not. He made sure Will was sitting down because apparently husbands tend to faint during the process. He painted my back with something – iodine maybe? He joked about how he was a great target painter. I asked how his aim was. He said not to worry about that. Spinal taps feel crazy. Having a needle jammed between your vertebrae feels exactly like having a needle jammed between your vertebrae. The metal conducts electrical signals which shoot down your legs. You have to wait for fluid to slowly drip out until several vials are filled. Spinal fluid is basically blood without the clotting agent. With no clotting agent it takes a long time to heal and may continue to leak out after the tap. This is why headaches are common after this occurs.

Baclofen was a mixed blessing. Starting it caused the cramps to worsen dramatically. In one day it happened over 30 times before I went to the ER. After ramping it up for several weeks I still had muscle spasms and cramps, but not in the unbearable way I had before. It made me drowsy and loopy. I fall asleep multiple times a day and it was a month before I could safely drive a car. I began taking Rebif which is a disease modifying drug. This means it lowers the occurrence of MS attacks (by about 30%). Without insurance coverage this would cost me about $7000 for a 3 month supply. With insurance it costs $200. They sent a local nurse out to show us how to use it, and it comes with an auto-injector. Feels like a bee-sting going in, burns like poison once it’s under the skin. The injection sites look like I’ve been hit by a baseball. I give myself injections Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. The cats have learned to stay upstairs while I do this. Will has learned to wait till it’s over to ask if I’m okay.

Progression was very slow. Over time my handwriting returned to something like normal. Because I was using new nerve routes, there were times when addressing an envelope or writing out a check left me breathless and exhausted. I had been damn good at guitar hero (in my humble opinion) but my lack of coordination now relegates me to Easy Mode. I realized how much time I had wasted not writing, playing piano, drawing, etc. when I had the ability.

In autumn I finally learned what the MS hug is and it is not cute. It feels like you’re being squeezed to death and the pain is so intense it causes me to vomit. I nearly cried with joy in the ER when they brought out a tray of 7 (SEVEN!) mystery vials to knock me out with. I never even felt them put in my iv. The cure for the MS hug? Lots of Valium. Lovely, lovely Valium.

Less than a year after my first attack, which apparently began literally inside the MRI machine, I had a second attack following a bout with the flu. Apparently the flu often precedes an MS attack. This time it hit my right leg mostly which leaves me unable to walk far. Instead of having on-site steroid infusions I was sent to St. Francis for it. They are great. You get a nice little room with a TV and they dilute the stuff in a solution which isn’t painful at all and hardly tastes of metal. My recovery thus far has been like lightning compared to my first attack.

That brings us up to speed. It’s not fun to live with and, at least for me, the daily symptoms are more of a nuisance than the exacerbations. There are things I can do to help myself that I don’t. But I’m going to. New Year’s resolutions usually fall by the wayside, but here goes anyway :

• Regularly practicing hatha yoga improves balance and reduces spasticity. Mindfulness exercises such as this also improve your outlook and focus in daily life. I will (for real this time) start a yoga routine.
• Meditation and guided imagery help reduce the stress and improves the mental outlook for those with MS. I will (for real this time) start a meditation routine.
• Eating certain foods that reduce inflammation may contribute to less frequent MS attacks. I will (for real this time) start following a diet.
• Stress can lead to psuedo-attacks. I often joke to Will : “Don’t make me angry! You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry! My vision goes blurry and I fall down a lot!” I shall strive for apathy when people let their toddlers wander into the street or bicyclists scrub my car when weaving through stopped traffic.

Hopefully these changes will help slow my progression of the disease. More information is available on almost a weekly basis about MS, and misinformation is probably even more common.  As I weed through it all I will post the gems here. Let’s all hope for a cure soon — or even three!

Kim Novak and Pyewacket in Bell Book And Candle

We decided to go with Pyewacket for the name of our new seal point Siamese kitten. Pyewacket was Kim Novak’s familiar in the movie Bell Book And Candle. (Yes she was a witch in the movie!)

We finally agreed to the name a few weeks ago but things have been so hectic I haven’t had time to post about it much less think about posting here. More posts are coming, we promise!

The new Kitten and Galileo, not fighting for a change...

Well I am a week and a half late with this but better late than never. The wonderful Dianne Alexy of Alexy Cattery listened to my long tale of Vlad’s battle with cancer and was a great person to talk to after he passed. Since Galileo came from her she was very glad to hear what a strong pillar he had been for Sara and I. When Vlad passed Sara and I had a rough time but poor Gali had to sit home alone everyday. Dianne agreed that a new friend might be good for Gali so we brought a new kitten home last Friday.

As anyone introducing a new cat into a household with an old cat could guess, they weren’t immediately the best of friends. Gali was very interested in our new guest but didn’t want him closer than about a meter. Any breaches of Gali’s self proclaimed neutral zone resulted in growling, hissing, and a smacky paw if the kitten didn’t get the message. It took about four days until they would sit this close without Gali growling the entire time. Earlier this evening Sara and I actually caught them sleeping together in the bed in the office and they have been playing non-stop for the last hour. I think Gali may be ready to accept him into the fold.

One thing I did forget about new kittens is that they are on a time table all their own. This guy is not a fan of letting us sleep. For the first five days he wouldn’t let us sleep for more than an hour or two every night. We took turns trying to wear him out but three hours of playing each evening before bed resulted in a wired cat and exhausted Will and Sara trampoline. We broke down and took Ambien on Wednesday night hoping we could get a nights peace and the Kitten still managed to wake us up at 4 AM. Did I mention that kittens, much like puppies, like to chew on everything? So far he’s eaten a handful of papers and our hands and feet whenever he can get a hold of them…

At any rate, you may notice we are still calling him, “Kitten.” We’re have a tough time settling on a name for our new addition. If you have a good one just post it here and we’ll post soon with what we decide. So far some of the front runners are Pyewacket, Azrael (Gargamel’s cat from the smurfs, not the archangel of death although it might be more suiting…), Kai (my boss suggested this one, it means “Stop It” in Yoruba and suits him VERY well…), Oberon, Puck, and Sebastian. We’d like a name that denotes how wild and troublesome he is. Out of all the cats we’ve had Sara and I agree he is the craziest and that’s saying a lot considering the sheer number of felines Sara has had over the years.